Happiness.
By Sophia Bishop
By Sophia Bishop
Have you ever sat back and tried to remember the first time you felt truly happy, a lot of people will remember years, memories from child hood. Memories of times with parents, grand parents, birthdays, Christmas's so on and so forth
In the mind of someone who suffers from Manic Depressive Disorder (MDD) trying to recall such a memory seems near impossible. Allow me to give you a glimpse into the mind of someone who suffers with MDD when remembering happiness.
I have no memory. I don't actually remember ever being happy. Which might seem like a foolish thing to say. How is it possible for someone to go through life unhappy? Well I suspect at points in my life I was greatly happy, in fact I have seen photographs that prove this fact. The fact is however that when you have had something traumatic happen in your life that has caused you such misery any memory of happiness disappears. All you remember is that misery.
I have a very loving family, parents I love more than life itself but the sad fact is that before that one traumatic experience all I remember in my life is the sad moments. Moments when I felt lonely when my brother was sick, times when I wondered if he would survive a year. I love my brother, I love him more than I think he realizes. When my sister left home. My sister has always been my hero, well a hero of mine. She is beautiful, smart and strong, not to mention she is an amazing mother. So when she moved out even though she didn't go far I remember crying because within moments I missed her.
I can perfectly recall arguments with my best friend. A time when we fell out. A time when we didn't talk for months, months that felt like an eternity. I can honest not recall any happy memories and post the time in my life that scarred me, while there has been some amazingly happy moments, the things I remember are the times that I felt alone and lost.
About 5 years ago I moved a long way away from a support group, my family who I was very close too and whom I loved very much. Its been since I did that I think that I lost a huge part of myself but not only that its since then that I have grown and started to adapt and become a stronger person and learn to face the days before as well as the days ahead.
In the mind of someone with MDD, the smallest things seem like huge things. And happiness it seems like just a dream, a time in our lives that we imagined. And something that is just beyond the grasp. So telling someone with MDD to smile, to be happy or to laugh and live life with a smile is like telling someone who cannot walk to stop being lazy and get up, someone who cannot see to pass you something. Its pointless, because sometimes, Happiness seems like just a word, something people make up and more often than not it seems like something that we do not deserve.
I have a very loving family, parents I love more than life itself but the sad fact is that before that one traumatic experience all I remember in my life is the sad moments. Moments when I felt lonely when my brother was sick, times when I wondered if he would survive a year. I love my brother, I love him more than I think he realizes. When my sister left home. My sister has always been my hero, well a hero of mine. She is beautiful, smart and strong, not to mention she is an amazing mother. So when she moved out even though she didn't go far I remember crying because within moments I missed her.
I can perfectly recall arguments with my best friend. A time when we fell out. A time when we didn't talk for months, months that felt like an eternity. I can honest not recall any happy memories and post the time in my life that scarred me, while there has been some amazingly happy moments, the things I remember are the times that I felt alone and lost.
About 5 years ago I moved a long way away from a support group, my family who I was very close too and whom I loved very much. Its been since I did that I think that I lost a huge part of myself but not only that its since then that I have grown and started to adapt and become a stronger person and learn to face the days before as well as the days ahead.
In the mind of someone with MDD, the smallest things seem like huge things. And happiness it seems like just a dream, a time in our lives that we imagined. And something that is just beyond the grasp. So telling someone with MDD to smile, to be happy or to laugh and live life with a smile is like telling someone who cannot walk to stop being lazy and get up, someone who cannot see to pass you something. Its pointless, because sometimes, Happiness seems like just a word, something people make up and more often than not it seems like something that we do not deserve.
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